5-MeO-DMT
The Ceremony
I drove several hours away from home for the adventure of a lifetime that I am still on. I had heard about a traditional natural medicine 5-MeO-DMT, a substance that comes from the secretions of the Bufo alvarius toad. The medicine has been called “The God Molecule”. 5-MeO-DMT is not a party or recreational drug and should not be used as such. 5-MeO-DMT is a natural medicine intended for therapeutic uses, a tool to aid in spiritual and personal growth. More about the science later, on to my experience.
I opted to have my ceremony Friday evening, instead of waiting until Saturday sunrise as originally planned. I didn’t want to overthink the experience, a life-time habit that I have recently been able to break, or get in to my head at all. I had done plenty of research on the scientific aspects along with the neurology and I had watched multiple trip reports on YouTube and listened to several podcasts where people such as Aubrey Marcus, Joe Rogan, Mike Tyson, Tony Robbins and Martin Ball described their experiences with the medicine. I felt that I was ready. I had been meditating on my intentions for the medicine for weeks. I wanted to fully let go of childhood traumas that I still let define me and were still getting in my way, and I wanted to fully dissolve any limiting beliefs that I allowed to prevent me from living my best life.
The medicine guides, or “sun-dancers” as they are called in some tribes, prepared the area, a large, fully screened in, covered, wrap-around porch on a home in the Southeastern United States. At the alter was a runner, sitting atop were sound bowls, various rattles, fans, candles, a spray bottle filled with essential oils, the glass vial filled with medicine and a butane lighter. The guides spent time centering their energies in preparation to serve the medicine to me. They cleansed the area with burning sage.
In front of the alter lay a large comforter with tie-dyed patterns and shapes, several pillows were placed on top of the comforter. The two medicine guides were dressed in traditional looking ceremonial dresses, headbands and jewelry. I was led to the center of the comforter and while standing, I was cleansed head to toe with burning sage, first the front side, then the back side. I sat crossed-legged facing the alter, the medicine guide sat in front of me to review my intentions and to teach me the breathing necessary to ensure I fully took in and held the medicine. I was to take a long slow inhale, and a long slow, very deliberate exhale letting all of the old stale air out of my lungs, I was then to inhale the medicine. We did a practice round and then it was time to start the ceremony.
The medicine guide told me that I was loved. She told me to inhale while she was lighting the medicine that sat at the bottom of a glass test tube with a cork and two hoses coming out of the top. I was told to express all of the air from my lungs in a long, deep exhale while the tube filled with smoke, then I inhaled the medicine. I had to inhale slowly and deeply in to the pits of my belly and hold. I felt a cough coming on, the medicine guide told me, “Hold. Hold. Hold.” And I was gone. Instantly I was blasted in to another dimension full of colors and lights and depths and shapes and fractals.
From the video taken of my journey my body instantly changed, relaxing completely. I muttered, “Oh my God”. You can see the medicine working through me immediately. There was an instant relaxation in my entire being. My upper body started swaying front and back. My arms got in to the flow, almost as if I was doing the swimming stroke butterfly. Or a better mental picture is one of those air inflated balloons that is in front of a used car lot to get your attention. Yes, that strange sort of front to back movement. After a couple of minutes of upper body movement while I was still sitting cross-legged, my torso slumped forward, and I was face down in to the blanket. Seconds later I started moaning, a sound I have never heard come out of me. Was I fighting the medicine? Resisting the experience? Was my ego trying to hold on to its control over me? I have no idea.
I remember taking the medicine, feeling the cough coming on, then being lost in to the abyss of colors, of nothing, of everything, of all things, of I don’t even know, but it was amazing. It was awe. The depths of colors and shapes and patterns were unlike anything the best psychedelic video could ever create. Unlike anything I have ever experienced with LSD or psilocybin. It was another realm, another dimension. It was like floating through space, or observing it, I’m not really sure. As much as I have struggled to put in to words what I recall, almost every report I have heard of other people’s experiences are nearly the same.
When the moaning stopped, I was motionless and silent for ten minutes, legs crossed in to lotus position, with my torso flopped down over my legs on to the floor, face down in the blanket. I was out, unaware of anything going on around me or to me. Was I unconscious? I have no idea. I have heard multiple people’s experiences describe these ten minutes after inhaling the bufo toad medicine as your ego’s death or death to self.
It was the pain in my right hip that I first became aware of. Beginning to have awareness of myself and my surroundings again, I tried to bring myself back in to the present. I say “back”, though I was physically there the entire time, it was my awareness that was coming back in to the present. I had no idea how long I had been out. I thought I was going to have to smoke more since I had heard friends describe having to hit the pipe three times to get all of the medicine. While I was wanting to fully release control, my mind was still seeking to know what was next. Did I have to smoke again? Did I want to?
I tried to sit up but only got my forearms to hold me up while my head still looked down at the blanket trying to figure out what was going on. I was being misted with essential oils from a spray bottle. When I finally sat up, stretched my legs out and opened my eyes the medicine guide was sitting cross-legged in front of me, her hands in prayer position. I immediately laid back and was out again, yet vaguely aware that the pillows beneath my head were not even and were slightly annoying, yet I was unable to correct as I was still not fully present in the moment.
My breath was deep, my hands and feet tingled, but much more than just tingled. My hands and feet were charged with energy. I kept opening and closing my hands and moving my feet around. At this point I was in and out, aware and not aware. Aware but yet not fully present. A friend had described his experience with 5-MeO as though he had lightning bolts shooting out of his hands. I understood now what he experienced, it was such an odd sensation of energy and power and pressure pulsating and charging through my hands.
At times it seemed as though I was only seeing the right side of things. Not the right as in the correct side, but literally just the right side. The left was black, dark, not there for much of my experience. I’m curious as to why that it is. Most of the colors were dark and I was scared of that darkness, thinking that was me, that I am dark, that my soul is dark. I fought that feeling, I wanted to feel light and good.
Music was being played through a speaker brought out on to the porch. Beautiful, soulful music. A playlist specifically selected by the medicine guide. I sat up again, thinking that I was done. I commented to the medicine guide, “I feel like I’m still holding on”. I sat processing for only a few seconds and slumped forward. The medicine guide held me up, rubbing in to the right side of my upper chest in to my pectoral muscles and then the left to help me release. I was lain back down and was out again. I was trying to release. I was trying to come fully to. I wanted to be lost in the moment yet was somewhere in between.
I recall having thoughts at different times though I am unsure of the timing or sequence. When I heard the music, I thought that one of the medicine guides was actually playing and singing live, then I heard a man’s voice and knew it was a recording. I heard a friend who was observing cough. I felt like someone was blowing on me from the left side, and then later from the right side. It was actually one of the medicine guides using a large handheld bamboo type of fan. There was also an electric fan blowing on me from behind and ceiling fans above.
There was an eye that floated up and to the right. Not an eyeball, but more like a drawing of an eye, like the third eye spiritual sort of eye. There were shades of blues, darker hues. There was peace during this phase. Then there were red eyes, my mind thought of them as devil eyes. There were two and they were sinister. Again, they were to the right, the very far upper right corner of my vision, while my eyes were fully closed. I saw these devil eyes as trying to come in and not being allowed. As they floated away out of that upper right corner of my vision it was though they knew that they were not welcome here and were letting me know that they were leaving me.
Other thoughts that visited while I was trying to let go were about how long this was taking, had it been five minutes or five hours, and wondering how long they would let me continue. I wondered what I had been doing, if anything. How much more was there to come? Was I going to have to smoke again? I wondered if I wanted to smoke again. Then later I thought I wanted to smoke more, I wanted to go back in to that place of not being here, I wanted to explore it more and see if I could fully let go.
I wondered how much this was going to cost. I had asked a friend, but I did not get a response. I wondered if this was going to be a situation where the medicine guide said that it was, “donation based” and oh boy, what the hell does that mean? And why am I thinking about this right now, why am I not just letting go and being lost in this moment? Who cares how much it costs, you came in to this with a vague idea of how much it costs, or least some assumption of the cost, right or wrong, just let go! Seriously, Glenda, let the fuck go already. My mouth was so dry. The fan was blowing my hair all over my face. Did my thighs look fat in the video? What would I see in the video? Ugg, get this hair off my face. I have a ponytail holder on my wrist, why didn’t I use it and jeez there is a desert in my mouth and a really nasty taste from the medicine, if only I could ask for water.
A song was playing that had the word “mother”. I rolled over on to my right side in to the fetal position and cried. I don’t know how long I cried, but I cried for not having the type of mother that I felt I had needed growing up. That’s another story for another time, but while that song played, I let it go. I realized that Mother Earth is the only mother that I need, and she is always there for me. I rolled on to my back, stretched out and smiled. There was relief from the release.
Perhaps it was after that moment that I felt I had released my mother’s burdens that I had carried. Without getting too deep in to it, she had told me when I was maybe three-years-old that I was the only thing that kept her sane and that it was my job to keep her happy, even going so far as to tell me that it was my job to make sure that if the men in white coats came to take her away that I was not to let them take her. I carried that burden from that young age and loaded up a whole lot of similar burdens from her and from other people through the years too. After all, it was my job to do just that. Codependency anyone? Here, I’ll carry your burdens for you, I’ll help make you better while I suffer and think that if I help you that you will love me and care for me in return.
Over the past ten years or so I have done a lot of work on those burdens and the challenges they added to my life. For the most part I had worked through the grief, the loss, even the responsibilities that were never supposed to be mine and yet there was still something that would creep in on me, some level of resentment, grudge, animosity and some other word I cannot pull from my brain right now. Bitterness! That’s it, bitterness is the word that my brain could not find. Bitterness that I had held on to for my lifetime and today I could not even find the word.
I felt like all of the bitterness was gone and no longer going to be in my way. At some point during my ceremony adult me was sitting with “Little G”, my child-self. In any meditation or hypnosis that I have done working on my inner child, I always see myself at the same age, around three-years-old, sitting in the living room of the townhouse we lived in. As I sat with Little G, my adult-self told her, “You are going to have a lot of adults in your life who are supposed to take care of you and look out for you. They should have your best interest in mind, but they don’t. They have so many of their own issues that they are not aware of or are unwilling to address. It doesn’t matter. They are going to do a lot of emotionally hurtful things, but I am here to tell you as adult you, that it is okay. You are going to be just fine because I am letting all of those burdens go. Right now, they are gone. Finally gone. There are going to be some sucky moments, but you are okay. I’ve got you, kid. And that is all you need. From this moment on, I am here, we are free. Finally free.” Little G looked up at me and smiled.
Shortly after that I was sitting up again, thinking that I was done. My hands were still feeling charged. I tried to be back in the present, but I was quickly floating back in the other space and was on my back. The medicine guide had her hands on my head, rubbing my hair from my face. I have always loved having my head touched in a loving way like that. And again, I was sitting up and opened my eyes to see the medicine guide sitting cross-legged in front of me. While I tried to become present it only lasted a few seconds before I was on my back again.
Another time I was sitting up, coming back around, the medicine guide was sitting to my left. I looked over at her, she touched my leg and smiled at me. I muttered, “I keep thinking you’re going to make me smoke more” and laughed, then about a minute later I was out again. I think this was the point when I looked out at the trees in front of me. I was trying to process and trying to wake up and just watched the trees and tried to make sense of everything. I saw the leaves changing shades of greenish yellow colors that turned neon-ish and then in to fractals of those shades of colors, and then I was out.
During another part of my experience I saw blackness with short, skinny, stick-sized horizontal neon lights. Each color was the length of a finger and there were so many colors and rows and rows of the connected colorful sticks. I assimilated these to glow sticks, sort of. When I saw the vast quantity of sticks and colors and dimensions I felt an overall sense of connectedness to the sticks and to the world and to everything and everyone in the world, as though we all belong and all have our role to play. If one of those sticks of color were missing the world would not be the same. We are all joined, we are all one.
We are now an hour in to my journey, much longer than most, though the 12 minutes of being 100% out were standard. As I was trying to come fully back, I looked at the medicine guide in front of me, she was in prayer position and bowed her head now in “namaste” fashion, I returned in kind. She took my hands and held them, looking at me with so much love. About a minute later, my head was down again. She helped me to my back again. The other medicine guide used the rattle again.
Finally, I was fully awake, the medicine guide asked if I was back and I said, “I think so, but I thought that before too.” We were both laughing, and I started asking questions about how long I had been out, how long I was in certain positions that I could remember. We invited my friends who had been holding space to come over to the blanket with us and the video was stopped. We discussed what I had experienced and what they witnessed. It was a lot to take in as I was unaware of most of the last hour and a half.
That was the actual ceremony itself, I hope you’re still with me because the next part is the best.
After the Ceremony
We discussed my experience for a bit and I finally got some water to hydrate the desert in my mouth. A couple of us went to eat as I had kept food intake light that day. I was exhausted, hungry and thirsty. I tried to watch some of the video that night to be able to gain understanding of what had gone on. I went to bed as soon as we got back from dinner and was up before everyone else the next morning. I sat outside trying to process what had gone on. I felt disappointment that I didn’t have an experience like some other people do and wondered if my past control freak tendencies prevented me from having the best experience. I did not want to express that with the group as there were two people who had not had their ceremony yet. I was able to speak with a medicine guide privately and mentioned my concern. I was told that everyone processes differently and while some people experience an epiphany during the ceremony and feel spoken to by a higher power, others come later. I easily let it go as another lesson in not comparing my experience to someone else’s.
Shortly after my chat with the medicine guide one of the people who was going to have their ceremony that morning was chatting with me. I could sense her concern and had a conversation of support with her that I felt like came from outside of me, like someone was speaking through me. The same thing happened the next day and has happened many times since my ceremony.
In the ceremonies that I witnessed I was much more than an observer off in the corner. I felt energy coming through my body. I felt emphatically for the people having their ceremony. I cried. I felt like I knew what the participant needed from an energy perspective. In one ceremony I sensed a white-yellow color of light going through the top of the man’s head, surging through his body and then blasting through his feet and out, as if this energy was cleansing his being.
I learned that morning that video of ceremonies is not recommended. I’m curious to know if I would have been able to process my ceremony had I not been able to watch the video. I still cannot articulate what I really experienced during the first twelve minutes and I have a lot of blanks from the rest of the time. I also watched ceremonies last from ten to twenty minutes only, apparently more of the normal time frame.
For weeks after the ceremony I had a slightly puke-ish feeling, what I would later say was like stuck energy in my solar plexus and in the back of my throat. I listened to chakra cleansing and chakra balancing meditations. I performed bioenergetic movements and exercises. The first day was the worst, I drove with a plastic bag next to me in the car. The yuck feeling remained, though lessened, even several weeks after the ceremony, leading me to schedule an initial two-hour session with a structural energetic therapist. With the therapist I was able express and process the stuck energy, allowing me to fully express myself in ways that I had not known were possible for me. My work with the SET therapist continued for several sessions.
I stopped at the beach before going home, to sit alone in the sand and try to process the feelings I was having. I walked in to the water with my clothes on (workout shorts & sports bra) and swam around. While floating on my back with my eyes closed I knew that I had nothing to be afraid of any more. I could finally release all of the fears that I had let prevent me from living my best life. It no longer mattered what anyone thought of me. I did not need to be concerned with anyone judging me. I am okay, I am safe, I am enough. I smiled and relished in that freedom from years of burdens that I allowed.
I see the world differently than before. I see things more vibrantly. The trees are more present and colorful. I feel a connection with everything living that I have not experienced at this level before. I see that people are all the same, while unique, we are all connected. We all deal with the same struggles and challenges. We all want to be accepted and loved. We are all challenged with fears, judgements, expectations, failures, desires, and goals. I feel a love for people that I did not have before, random strangers even. If I catch an annoyance, I immediately realize that that person needs to be met with love, and I’ll send loving thoughts towards that person. I feel more accepting of other people for who they are and where they are and I feel less judged and more accepted for who I am, just as I am. I no longer feel the need to be understood or accepted by others, it just is, I just am. I feel like it is finally okay for me to be me and that there is absolutely nothing or anyone who can get in my way, except for me. It is up to me to live my best life.
When I first came home and Kaya met me at the door, I felt a connection to her that was stronger than before. I felt like I could feel her soul when she looked at me. This dog connection has occurred with dogs I’ve encountered at Grassroots or at the park, and with friend’s dogs too.
For a week after the ceremony I dreamt of the experience or relived the experience, I’m not sure which. The patterns of colors pulsating and flowing were present. My body felt like I was back in the experience too. I wish I could describe the feeling, it’s ineffable. I would wake up to the feeling in the middle of the night.
My driving has slowed down, I do not feel the need to be in a hurry and do not feel road rage with other drivers. I have not had any desire to drink alcohol. I feel so content with so much in my life and with myself right now.
Two days after my ceremony I was at Grassroots on Sunday morning getting tea and kratom. I was having a conversation with the bartender and a patron; they were talking about how repressive it is when bosses and managers hold people back and prevent employees from growing and being great. Words that were not coming from me, came out of my mouth, “Yes, that is horrible to hear about when that happens, but what is even worse than a boss or manager holding people back, is when we hold ourselves back, and it happens every day. People let their own fears and insecurities and limiting beliefs prevent their greatness far more than someone else holds a person back. We do it to ourselves and we have the power to change that.”
Before the Ceremony
There was a list of modifications and restrictions to diet and lifestyle for the week before the ceremony. I was to liberate my body of toxic substances and have a light, plant-based diet. Four days prior to the ceremony I was asked to abstain from meat, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, cannabis, spicy foods, fatty foods and sex.
A month before the ceremony I stopped taking the anti-depressant I started taking in effort to quit smoking. While Wellbutrin works with dopamine, it is imperative that any serotonin impacting antidepressants are cleansed from the system. There can be serious complications, including death from taking a MAOI inhibiter with 5-MeO-DMT. Octavio Rettig’s website states to be cleared of antidepressants for three months before participating in a ceremony with 5-MeO-DMT.
Caffeine withdrawal was a concern for me, so I started weening down five weeks before the ceremony. I went from two large cups, let’s be real, I drank two giant mugs of super strong coffee, half espresso, half a strong brew, every morning. I transitioned to mushroom coffee for a few days which has half of the caffeine of coffee, then down to black tea. I was still at the black tea level when I did my ceremony and had even had two tea bags in one mug that morning.
My diet was not as clean the week before the ceremony as I wanted it to be. I’m realizing that I have a troubled relationship with food, something I need to do some work on. I’ll start by journaling about my feelings and my history with food, another story for another time, but if I’ve been able to reprogram many of my thoughts about myself, thoughts about others and thoughts about the world, clearly I’m going to have work to do and will be able to change my thoughts about food.
Intention setting can be an integral part of the 5-MeO ceremony and outcome. From the date that my ceremony was scheduled I worked on my intentions. I wanted to release childhood traumas that I had still let define me and get in my way and I wanted to fully dissolve any limiting beliefs that I allowed to prevent me from living my best life. I have seen a lot of progress in these areas since my ceremony.
Other Stuff
The medicine does not do all of the work, but it can help facilitate to move you along in your healing processes. We choose how we respond and react to the world and need to be aware of the choices we make. We must take responsibility for ourselves and our choices to continue our transcendence from the ego long after the ceremony. Our true energy is just below our ego, the medicine helps us tap in and get there. You are not a victim of your circumstances, only the ego can be a victim. Make good choices!
Everything is a mirror reflection of lessons to learn. You will present lessons to yourself, pay attention, bring awareness to any trigger or irritation that comes your way. When there is something that you do not like in another person, or if you find yourself judging another, give attention to what it is about yourself being mirrored. Take ownership, send love to that person, recognized their struggles, see the lesson that you are to learn at this moment.
Take ownership for your personal liberation from the ego. Choose your own inner peace and serenity to be closer to your authenticity and true energy center. The ego is used to winning every battle within you, and is used to getting its way. Your ego has been controlling your life to this point and thinks it’s protecting you. How’s that been working out so far? Stop giving all of your power to your ego. Stop giving in to the games that your ego plays with your life. Free yourself from the stories that you have been telling yourself, narratives that the ego has scripted from fantasies.
The Science
5-Methoxy-N,N-dimethltryptamine (5-MeO-DMT) is a psychoactive compound found in Bufo avarius toad venom and in several plants, though in lesser concentrations. Bufo alvarius is the largest toad, with smooth olive green to dark brown skin. This specific toad, known as the Colorado River Toad or Sonoran Desert Toad lives in the Sonora Desert, northwestern Mexico and the southwestern United States. The venom is extracted through a milking process and is one of the most potent psychedelics. 5-MeO-DMT can also be produced synthetically in a lab.
5-MeO-DMT is about five times more powerful than regular DMT (N,N-dimethyltryptamine), therefore dosage is different and trip length is different. Regular DMT has a short trip, around 10 minutes while 5-MeO-DMT experiences are at a minimum of 10 minutes and can last upwards of 90 minutes.
80% of Hopkins study participants reported improved levels of anxiety and depression, they gained personal meaning and spiritual significance and found the experience contributes to enduring well-being and life satisfaction.
In a study published April 2018 by Alan K Davis, Joseph P Barsuglia, Rafael Lancelotta, et all, reported the most respondents had, “moderate-to-strong mystical-type experiences…ineffability, timelessness, awe/amazement, experience of pure being/awareness”. The study also found that participants who had “reported being diagnosed with psychiatric disorders, the majority reported improvements in symptoms following 5-MeO-DMT use, including improvements related to post-traumatic stress disorder (79%), depression (77%), anxiety (69%) and alcoholism (66%) or drug disorder (60%).
Researchers in Brazil and Sweden teamed and found that 5-MeO-DMT affects neurogenesis which could contribute to the antidepressant properties of DMT-derived compounds. 5-MeO-DMT is a serotonin agonist affecting 5-HT2 receptors. Google dictionary describes an agonist as, “a substance which initiates a physiological response when combined with a receptor.” Stress, trauma and depression shrink the hippocampus. Adult neurogenesis is the growth of new neurons in the brain. The hippocampus is one of two brain areas where neurogenesis has been found. While psychoactive compounds are one way to promote neurogenesis, others include exercise, meditation and having a healthy nutritional intake and lifestyle.
Tryptamines act as a neurotransmitter, are naturally occurring, and can be found in the brains of mammals in the form of serotonin, melatonin and bufotenine. DMT and 5-MeO-DMT are psychoactive and are found in plants, fungi and animals, including our friend the Bufo alvarius toad.
History
While history of 5-MeO-DMT is difficult to uncover, the first use of 5-MeO-DMT was likely snuffed based on findings of ancient paraphernalia with evidence of the substance found in Chile from the 8th century. A report from Friar Ramon Pane to Christopher Columbus in 1496 mentioned observing people in Hispaniola using 5-MeO by snuffing through reeds.
Synthetically created 5-MeO-DMT first surfaced in 1936 but was not identified as the psychoactive component of yopo (Anadenanthera peregrina) until 1959. Yopo comes from the perennial leguminous tree in the Amazon.
During the 1970’s sale and use of 5-MeO-DMT by the Church of the Toad of Light and the Church of the Tree of Life was legal in the United States. It wasn’t until January 2011 that 5-MeO-DMT was added to the list of Schedule 1 substances.
My Second Ceremony
My second 5-MeO experience was completely different, I was able to fully let go and had a much more beautiful experience, with a shorter duration, only thirty minutes this time. Along with the medicine guide, my friend who is experienced in massage therapy and energy work were both guiding my experience. We did not video this ceremony, so I am unable to transcribe the full event in as much detail. I do not recommend filming the journey, nor do most medicine guides. I made notes immediately after my ceremony and included feedback from the guide and my friend in order to piece everything together.
I followed the same protocol in the weeks prior to my ceremony as I did the first time, though I ate cleaner before the second ceremony. I scheduled a breathwork session for a few days prior to my ceremony to help release anything that my body was holding on to, along with a massage. I also scheduled a breathwork session two days after the ceremony to help release anything stuck that came up during my ceremony.
The night of the ceremonies, I held space while two others experienced their medicine ceremonies. Recounting my last experience with my legs and hips hurting from being in a cross-legged position for too long, we set up a body pillow under my knees, with my legs fully stretched out. As the guide coached me through the breathing technique and began lighting the medicine for me to inhale, my entire body was filled with fear and trepidation. I had not experienced that fear during my first ceremony. Perhaps the fear was coming from ego who knew that this powerful medicine would silence that beast for a while.
Through the fear, as I inhaled the medicine, I silently requested my body and mind to fully let go this time, to fully release into the powerful work that this medicine could do to further help my healing process.
The first thing that I recall is seeing a full screen view this time, unlike the right side only view from my first ceremony. Shades of blacks, whites and greys, in fractal patterns, like being inside of a tie-dyed fabric, actually being a part of that fabric, not just seeing an image of it. I heard a sound that some refer to as breakthrough sound. The best way that I describe the sound in writing is the sound that you hear when whipping a toy around in the air. Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo. Like a helicopter in slow motion.
I’m told that I was viscerally expressing vocally, with my tongue out, as the medicine took hold. I heard the hand drum from Peru that the medicine guide played to aid with moving energy. I saw a black universe filled with tiny blue neon dots.
I stayed sitting up through most of the ceremony, though I thought I had laid back immediately as the medicine took over. My friend performed energy work, without touching me, and said that my body arched up towards her hands as she worked. My eyes were closed and I had no real awareness of what was going on. The energy in us and around us is more powerful than we give credit.
Towards the end of my ceremony I expressed the deepest, visceral belly laughs. I was experiencing pure joy, elation and happiness feeling the total connection that I have with the universe. I felt that I was a part of it all. A connected, integral part of all of the beauty of this world and all worlds. I gave thanks for the beauty and was grateful for having so much love around me and in me.
As I was beginning to come back, I experienced the same in and out sensation that I had experienced in my first ceremony. I recall looking up and behind me and seeing the medicine guide sitting at my head in prayer. I recall feeling four hands on me, working my energies, I felt so cared for, so well protected. I felt hands on my head, one of my most favorite things. I asked for my hands to be rubbed towards the end, they felt so full of energy that needed to be moved out of me.
While I was waking up, or coming back, I asked for a blanket. I was then aware of the intense storm going on outside. The power had gone out. There was hail, during summer in Florida, not a common occurrence. I asked my friends to snuggle with me, as we talked about our experiences with the toad.
After both of my ceremonies with 5-MeO-DMT, I experienced nights of dreams of the experience, or maybe even being back in the experience, I’m not sure which. Those nights were joyous, I welcomed the feeling of being in ceremony, though as the days pass the dreams lessen and eventually fade completely.
Doing the Work
We have to continue doing the work to heal our past traumas and to work on our shadow selves. Many months after my last ceremony I was in a breathwork session that felt as though I was back in ceremony, just from breathing. I had full on psychedelic visuals and even purged during the breath session. It was my first time doing breathwork in a group, there two friends in the session along with two facilitators. Maybe it was the power of the energy in the room. I don’t know.
I have been positively changed from healing my past traumas and fears. Bitterness and anger from my past experiences has left me. For months after each ceremony I felt amazing, fully secure in knowing who I am and what my place is in this world. The old self has a way of creeping back into what was familiar before. The old fears and insecurities will try to creep back in. It takes conscious awareness to notice what’s happening in order to bring a needed mindset shift to the forefront of consciousness. It’s happened to me. While I had hoped that depression was a thing of my past, it’s not. Those thoughts will still return. I have to be my healthiest self, physically and mentally, in order to stand strong to fight that battle. When depression does take hold, I use my awareness and knowledge to my advantage to get back on track.
As therapeutic and powerful as traditional healing medicines are, I encourage you to explore the benefits of many other resources such as breathwork, meditation, acupuncture, body energy work, journaling, prayer, conscious awareness, reframing narratives, mindset and physical movement. Work with a therapist or coach (I know a great one!). Always stay on your journey to better know and develop yourself, while healing your past.
Enjoy the adventure!
Influences
https://thethirdwave.co/psychedelics/5-meo-dmt/#history--stats
http://awareproject.org/best-practices-for-5meodmt-by-the-conclave
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0269881118769063
https://www.octaviorettig.com
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnmol.2018.00312/full
Various YouTube videos and podcasts
